Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
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