I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Randomize
