i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
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