The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
