I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
My ATM looks so different sober.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize