I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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