Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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