Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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