so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
