Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
