You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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