Well douche your snatch and let's go!
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
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