i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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