We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize