I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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