I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
