Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
You're like the curious george of whores
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
