shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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