There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
