am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Randomize
