my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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