I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
