I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
