I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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