I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
