Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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