What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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