I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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