He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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