So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
