trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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