I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
