??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize
