And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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