Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
my phone needs a breathalizer
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
