I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
