I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
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