The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
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