I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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