There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
