i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
