he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Randomize
