The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I am midnight drunk by noon
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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