I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
