i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
