it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
