I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
