Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
