i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Did you just see the Batmobile???
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
