theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
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