Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
