At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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