dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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