Going to get a "plan B"urrito
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
