Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
