I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
